The World Survives Another Christmas

After eating the country of Turkey last year for Christmas; Amber set her sight on a much more lofty goal this year. She decided to consume the country of Chocolate.

Of course this country is fictional but we at I Hate Amber were able to make up some pamphlets and put them in Amber's mailbox (which is made up of kitten heads). Advertised at a whopping big 27,000 square kilometres (think Russia plus China) the country of chocolate was very much inspired by the land of chocolate that Homer Simpson imagines...



The pamphlet read "Everywhere you look there is a chocolate surprise just for you. We are just chock full of chocolate waterfalls and bouncing bunny rabbits that you can take mouthwatering bites out of! So come!"

Amber took the bait and has spent the entire holiday season looking for Chocolate.

These people are sick.

All three of these institutions come from some insignificant area known as the South Island in New Zealand. All these establishments are complete evil for adopting these names. Avoid these places for your holiday fun at all costs.

On a milestone note...

According to our regularly updated counter on the right hand side of this site; Amber has now eaten over 10,000 babies, puppies and kittens.

What Was He Thinking?

Amber dropped a variety of things - properly all instruments of pure evil - and a poor soul decided to help her pick them up. As soon as that happened the man was suddenly attacked by hyenas who chewed out his eyeballs before throwing them up back into his mouth, ripped off his arms and finally castrated him.

The man's final words were "that's what I get for helping Amber..."

What Amber Would Look Like If She Was A Kitten

Sing your hearts out!

These lovely girls have created a brilliant I Hate Amber song. The songwriting is simply breathtaking. Well done them.

Take Part in our Poll!

We at I Hate Amber wish to know your opinion. On the right hand side of this page you'll find a poll asking for your preferred methods to do away with Amber. If you have any suggestions - then tell us!

Sucky Parliament.

Parliament today voted 108-13 to strengthen terrorism suppression laws (article)

And the question is asked, where are the Amber suppression laws? This is badly needed; if given a choice between dealing with Amber and terrorists I know who I would choose. Terrorists don't imagine you as lunch. And they smell better.

Britney's back.

Why Amber? Why?

You see Britney Spears did so much worse than sell her soul to the dark prince Satan; she sold it to Amber - who eats Satan for breakfast (he then respawns and she eats him again for dinner and the cycle continues).

Regrouping

There has been a distinct lack of activity on this blog recently. Our campaign to inform the world of Amber is still happening; it's just that Amber recently came across our base of operations and ate our computer.

Amber's Kitten Hunting Disguise

It seems that Amber has devised a new and cunning disguise to enable her kitten-eating habit. She almost fooled us, but we here at I Hate Amber are smarter than kittens. You won't lure us into your fiendish jaws, Amber!

Amber-Hater of the Month

It is with great pride that I present the first Amber-Hater of the Month award. This month's award goes to the people at Safety Patrol. We're not entirely sure why Amer hates and fears Safety Patrol, but any enemy of Amber's is a friend of ours.



If you know someone who has displayed outstanding hatred of Amber, you can nominate him or her by leaving a comment at our site. Please provide a brief description of the nominee, as well as contact details, so we can send out a prize.

Conversations With Amber

War correspondent Joe "I laugh in the face of danger and sleep with his daughters" Sandstorm, who has previously covered all the most recent and dangerous wars including Iraq and Jupiter has been assumed dead on seventeen different occasions throughout his career and has now attempted his most dangerous mission yet: interviewing Amber. The results of which will be released in his latest book Conversations With Amber: The Girl Who Made Hitler Cry and Forced Pol Pot To Shit His Pants.

He has released to us some bits and pieces of his book.

Joe: Some people have criticised you for the way you eat babies. What do you have to say to that?
Amber: What they talking about? Me prepare yammy kitten sauce and let baby simmer for an hour. It taste super yammy.
Joe: Don't the ethics of the situation concern you at all?
Amber: Some people criticise my use of garlic. But it taste good.
Joe: No, we're not talking about how you prepare the babies for eating. But the rather more pressing issues that you're eating babies.
Amber: I like the little bones. You don't get the little bones when you eat people who are all grown up.

Joe: You met Jesus haven't you?
Amber: He taste good. Bit salty.

Joe: Do you ever not think about eating?
Amber: Yes. Just yesterday I invented wheel.
Joe: Mankind invented the wheel quite some time ago.
Amber: I smash people with wheel and eat them.

In J.K. Rowling's Rubbish Bin

The final Harry Potter book is due out on the 21st of July. During one of many reconnaissance missions to J.K. Rowling's house (OK, I'm stalking her!) I found an interesting bit of paper screwed up in her rubbish bin. Clearly it's an alternative ending to this highly anticipated book.

Harry looked up at the pure evil that practically was flowing out of the figure of Voldemort in the distance as he killed muggles left, right, center and a couple of other dimensions that Harry couldn't possibly comprehend. Deep thoughts ran across Harry's head but were soon replaced by the girl that he shagged in the previous town. He had forgotten her name but remembered that he had quite liked her breasts. He couldn't conjure up better breasts to be honest. He bet that Voldemort could; he was the most powerful wizard of all time after all. Harry suddenly felt very inadequate - how was he supposed to defeat Voldemort if he couldn't even conjure up a decent pair of breasts? In fact, in general he kinda sucked at the whole magic thing - the nicest thing anyone could ever say to him was that he had his mother's eyes - which, to be fair looked like vomit.

The muggles were running away from the carnage yelling at the top of their lungs "Oh my god! This is the second most evil being ever to come to our town!"

Harry found this odd. In the distance he saw a lone figure leave a house and stop at Voldemort's feet. "I'm trying to play dance game!" the figure yelled and turned away. It was Amber, Voldemort suddenly died. Harry was shocked and angry - Amber had stolen his moment! He suddenly got very angry but that was replaced quickly with thoughts about whether she'll sleep with him when he realised that she was female. At this point, Harry had a brain aneurysm and died.

Belle & Sebastian in the graveyard

Fed up with Stuart Murdoch's annoying voice, the overly cute music and the dubious meanings of their songs Amber has killed all the current and past members of the indie pop group Belle & Sebastian. Her methods of doing so was quite clever, rather than travel all the way to Scotland she merely just sang along to a couple of their songs. The awful rendition of 'The State I Am In' and 'If You're Feeling Sinister' ensured that anyone involved with the creation of this music instantly exploded.

Amber now plans to release an album of her own. God help us all.

Recollect That Jones

Elope with vinegar my rabbits - that's keeping the popcorn at bay in a tunnel of monkey juice. Such a device is supremely mounted when that Amber comes a sludging around the kettle.

To deal in the dish, the here scribe in this recollection - Bo - certainly has one hefty fat of a zoo to munch. Since the dawn of birds has Bo never not fashioned after some clockwork in the cream of softness but Amber is one to ruin all clockwork ruminations. One fine sunset we saw that device and never again has Lo been able to smell the weasels in his porridge - when her putrid essence came upon his frying pan all hope in the divinity of all that in the handle of Jack was forever melted.

Ko put it most - "If rabbits ever wiggle in that direction may I be consoled by a pair of directional oranges."

Ko jazzes with the damaged at the most educated shout.

Til the sun melts next - Bo.

Amber Snippets

A lot of new research has been coming out lately in Amberology departments around the world.

• Cerberus, from Greek mythology has recently been sighted as Paris Hilton's latest pet. New evidence suggests that Cerberus was originally created one night when Amber had too many beans and kittens (lethal combination).
• Amber turned Johnny Depp gay.
• It has been confirmed that the town of Rotorua, New Zealand is indeed merely one of Amber's socks.
  
• The Spice Girls reunion is indeed Amber's doing.
• Amber's recently developed third eye is confusing researchers. No one can work out who she got it from. If you see anyone missing an eye please contact the School of Amberology at Oxford University.... Wyoming.
  

The most evil thing in the world

There's only one thing in this world that I hate even half as much as Amber, and that's obnoxious animations on websites. This struck me as the perfect medium to capture her evilness.

Amber is so evil that she made the animation not work. Damn you Amber. Maybe the universe just can't handle this much evil.

What living my weevil?

By fumigation my indigos. I go by the bar of Bo and I'm in company to juggle my stage visions of Amber - who us ponds in the John treat with a severe trippy howl. Like my rabbit Mo acts the elephant when she is out of the mousetrap. Me? I can dispense the suspense now. Just can't handle the aromatic essence. Can any rabbit though?

Now for the recollect: I was creaming the trophies when I first withered that stampede. My other rabbit Ko was all

"Trip that call rabbit! What in deliverance?"

We were all marginalised at the thought. Ko spent the backwards consumption at her appearance, her (though my rabbits, could that be trialised?) mouth was beaming with kittens. The entire dam was bursting within, she winced away but we were pogged for months. Wo still will not spit the catter with his rabbits.

That regency was the not the final for Amber. My job will be to unfold to you jacks and weevils the dossier of Amber.

Until the next low show, jazz me a bite.

Assassinate Amber Day!

April 13 is Assassinate Amber Day. We ask that everyone grab the biggest, baddest gun they can find and try to kill this monster.

Afterwards we'll have cake.

Of course, remember that every day is an appropiate moment to kill Amber, if you have the chance to blow her head off. Then go nuts. For the love of everything chocolate. Please.

Amber Had Nothing To Do With That

I'm sure you're all expecting us to be all "Hey! All your previous assumptions about the death of Jesus are wrong! Amber did it!"

But no, that is not the case. We have pretty good evidence that Amber was in fact in Africa at the time sowing the seeds for the economic underdevelopment that they will experience over the next 2000 odd years.

Amber did however eat Jesus when he returned to do the whole fulfil prophecy thing that he promised he'll do.

New Writings Emerge From Nostradamus

Some people in France have uncovered some additional quatrains of The Prophecies that just go even further to prove how much of a seer this great man was.

His most alarming prediction is that of Amber. A great shame that we couldn't uncover these writings earlier so we could prevent her existence before it was too late.

He wrote:

Upon the year 1986
A creature so vile and disgusting shall be born
The earth will slowly start to die when she arrives
Her name shall be Amber

Oddly for old Nosty (we're on a nickname basis now!), the prediction is oddly specific unlike his other ones which are all vague and bullshit. Plus it doesn't rhyme, and it's not very well written. Still we shall treat everything he writes with great fear. He knows.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

As we all know, children are brutally honest, so it was a surprise to us when Bren's little sister, Tessa, sugar coated this portrait of Amber. However, we do concur with the addition of stink lines ascending from Amber's head.

Take a shower Amber!

Amber – Tormenting Humanity Since The Dawn Of Time

Amber would have us believe that she was born in 1987, making her a mere 20 years old.

However, it is our belief that she doesn't age as we do and may in fact have been tormenting humanity since the dawn of civilization. We cannot yet prove this hypothesis, but this photo confirms that she has been around since at least the 70s.

Who knows what despicable instruments of torture she hwas hiding in those delightful puffy sleaves?

Sorry Guys

Are We Living in The Last Day's Before Jesus' Return?

I believe we are. You judge for yourself.

-From Some Web Site.

How do I know that this is complete bullshit? Because Jesus has already returned. But Amber ate him. Sorry mankind - no saviour for you.

If Only He Was Still Around...

William Shakespeare could have dealt with Amber one thinks. While trying to think of insults to say to Amber one is often distracted by the disgusting bit of metal protruding from her nose or her fourth eye or her ears (which we will never talk about again - as her ears are the most disgusting of all).

But If old Shakespeare was still around, I bet he'll stand tall and rattle off a few gems like...

"Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you filthy bung, away!"
"Thou art a very ragged Wart."
"Thou crusty botch of nature!"
"Thou elvish-mark'd, abortive, rooting hog!"
"If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases."
"Thou stale old mouse eaten dry cheese!"
"Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!"

Politics

Bangladesh has declared a state of emergency.

Now you might think it has something to do with some political parties called the Awami League and the BNP. But that's all nonsense.

It's because someone heard a rumour that Amber might be visiting. That's when the shoe really hit the fan.

Fetal Exposure To Amber Harms Your Baby

Logan said...

oh wow, you have updated this site, bren!
should the title not read 'AN amber christmas', or is that some residual effect of her evilness?

Well Logan, we're glad you asked. As our chief crusader against evil, Bren, is currently playing Final Fantasy, it's up to me to answer your query.

It didn't take much research to determine that you are in fact 100% correct. Our case study, Troy, endured prolonged exposure to Amber. This unfortunate boy is her twin brother. Even in the womb, he was not safe from her evil and its effects. Consequently, Troy can barely speak English.

I think that the lesson here is obvious. Forget alcohol and other drugs, fetal exposure to Amber can seriously harm your baby.

We hope that this advice was helpful. Thanks for your question, Logan!

Pig Farmers Beware

Ancient prophecy foretells that Amber will one day marry a pig farmer. We would like to take this opportunity to warn our pig farming friends: If Amber shows any interest in you or your pigs, RUN AWAY!

Amber Makes Players Seasick

If Amber were a Final Fantasy character, she'd be this one. As Tom observed, she has a big scary tongue and she sways too much, making everyone seasick. That's Amber for you.