Conversations With Amber: Part Two

I've previously blogged about Conversations With Amber - a book written by War correspondent Joe Sandstorm about a series of conversations he had with Amber - that first post was from chapter one. Here's a selection from chapter two.

After my first conversation, her ugliness had melted off part my nose - so the next conversation had to take place behind a protective shield. Now some people have compared Amber to a smelly pus-excreting wart that has suddenly developed the ability to walk. I'm more of the school of thought that she is like cancer-infected lungs turned inside out. But I have to say, there is something majestic about the way that slime drips from what I think are her ears. I would say she is a treasure, but one that should be killed and shot off into the sun as soon as possible.

She Got Hungry.

The November 8 New Zealand General Election has been canceled after Amber ate the concept of democracy.

New Zealand shall not be leaderless for long - other forms of governments are due to battle it out in Battle Royale style for the honour. Feudalism is the current favourite.

Amber ate democracy with a side of bacon that was wrapped with chicken breast. For desert, she was going to eat John Key's children before finding out that he had already done so.

The United States election will still go ahead as the electoral college is anything but democracy.

Amber Sighting

Witnesses have confirmed that Amber is indeed in Australia. As you can see, she has changed her appearance, but you can still expect to experience nausea upon seeing her.

Our team of experts believe that she wears the blue headband to conceal the demonic horns, which are no doubt growing from her forehead by now.

Amber is armed (with her face!) and dangerous, so do not approach her. Australians be warned!

The Australia Report

Things have been quiet on the Amber side of life. We have just received this report from Steve from our Australian branch.

Amber hasn't been sighted but from your description that could match at least a dozen people I've slept with. So not totally sure. We also think the use of the name 'Amber' is a bit of a bogus trick she used on you kiwis - everyone is called Steve.

Ah, Steve, if you had indeed slept with Amber then you'll probably be missing your penis... along with the rest of your body because she would have eaten you whole.

Or who knows? Maybe Amber has found solace with a country that actually has people as dumb as her... and as ugly... and as smelly...

New People Finding Our Fair Crusade

It's quite interesting looking at how the masses have been finding our humble site.

Someone from Denmark found this page by searching for "Stuart Murdoch"

A soul from Switzerland found this page by searching for "amber kitten"

An American got a very important message that it's not pig farmers they need to be afraid of when searching for "beware of pig farmers"

Another American found out some useful info when they searched for "amber day"

Three separate inquiries from the UK turned up on the same day and got this page when they searched for "jk rowling breasts"

Finally, rather disturbingly, an American shared Amber's hatred for Safety Patrols when searching for "i hate safety patrols" Could this be another Amber? Do we need to set up an American branch?

The rumours are true: we have won!

Have you found that when you step outside you no longer instantly throw up?

Have you seen the odd smile every now and again?

Do people seem, dare we say it, happy?

Well, the rumours are indeed true. The team at I Hate Amber can confirm that Amber has left New Zealand. We will like to take full credit for this.

Parliament has just passed a bill that declares the month of February as a public holiday known as The Month Where We Could All Breath Again Because That Evil Amber Had Let Us Be. Work on the name of the month is still ongoing.

She still lives, but she's Australia's problem now.