Amber-Hater of the Month

It is with great pride that I present the first Amber-Hater of the Month award. This month's award goes to the people at Safety Patrol. We're not entirely sure why Amer hates and fears Safety Patrol, but any enemy of Amber's is a friend of ours.



If you know someone who has displayed outstanding hatred of Amber, you can nominate him or her by leaving a comment at our site. Please provide a brief description of the nominee, as well as contact details, so we can send out a prize.

Conversations With Amber

War correspondent Joe "I laugh in the face of danger and sleep with his daughters" Sandstorm, who has previously covered all the most recent and dangerous wars including Iraq and Jupiter has been assumed dead on seventeen different occasions throughout his career and has now attempted his most dangerous mission yet: interviewing Amber. The results of which will be released in his latest book Conversations With Amber: The Girl Who Made Hitler Cry and Forced Pol Pot To Shit His Pants.

He has released to us some bits and pieces of his book.

Joe: Some people have criticised you for the way you eat babies. What do you have to say to that?
Amber: What they talking about? Me prepare yammy kitten sauce and let baby simmer for an hour. It taste super yammy.
Joe: Don't the ethics of the situation concern you at all?
Amber: Some people criticise my use of garlic. But it taste good.
Joe: No, we're not talking about how you prepare the babies for eating. But the rather more pressing issues that you're eating babies.
Amber: I like the little bones. You don't get the little bones when you eat people who are all grown up.

Joe: You met Jesus haven't you?
Amber: He taste good. Bit salty.

Joe: Do you ever not think about eating?
Amber: Yes. Just yesterday I invented wheel.
Joe: Mankind invented the wheel quite some time ago.
Amber: I smash people with wheel and eat them.

In J.K. Rowling's Rubbish Bin

The final Harry Potter book is due out on the 21st of July. During one of many reconnaissance missions to J.K. Rowling's house (OK, I'm stalking her!) I found an interesting bit of paper screwed up in her rubbish bin. Clearly it's an alternative ending to this highly anticipated book.

Harry looked up at the pure evil that practically was flowing out of the figure of Voldemort in the distance as he killed muggles left, right, center and a couple of other dimensions that Harry couldn't possibly comprehend. Deep thoughts ran across Harry's head but were soon replaced by the girl that he shagged in the previous town. He had forgotten her name but remembered that he had quite liked her breasts. He couldn't conjure up better breasts to be honest. He bet that Voldemort could; he was the most powerful wizard of all time after all. Harry suddenly felt very inadequate - how was he supposed to defeat Voldemort if he couldn't even conjure up a decent pair of breasts? In fact, in general he kinda sucked at the whole magic thing - the nicest thing anyone could ever say to him was that he had his mother's eyes - which, to be fair looked like vomit.

The muggles were running away from the carnage yelling at the top of their lungs "Oh my god! This is the second most evil being ever to come to our town!"

Harry found this odd. In the distance he saw a lone figure leave a house and stop at Voldemort's feet. "I'm trying to play dance game!" the figure yelled and turned away. It was Amber, Voldemort suddenly died. Harry was shocked and angry - Amber had stolen his moment! He suddenly got very angry but that was replaced quickly with thoughts about whether she'll sleep with him when he realised that she was female. At this point, Harry had a brain aneurysm and died.

Belle & Sebastian in the graveyard

Fed up with Stuart Murdoch's annoying voice, the overly cute music and the dubious meanings of their songs Amber has killed all the current and past members of the indie pop group Belle & Sebastian. Her methods of doing so was quite clever, rather than travel all the way to Scotland she merely just sang along to a couple of their songs. The awful rendition of 'The State I Am In' and 'If You're Feeling Sinister' ensured that anyone involved with the creation of this music instantly exploded.

Amber now plans to release an album of her own. God help us all.

Recollect That Jones

Elope with vinegar my rabbits - that's keeping the popcorn at bay in a tunnel of monkey juice. Such a device is supremely mounted when that Amber comes a sludging around the kettle.

To deal in the dish, the here scribe in this recollection - Bo - certainly has one hefty fat of a zoo to munch. Since the dawn of birds has Bo never not fashioned after some clockwork in the cream of softness but Amber is one to ruin all clockwork ruminations. One fine sunset we saw that device and never again has Lo been able to smell the weasels in his porridge - when her putrid essence came upon his frying pan all hope in the divinity of all that in the handle of Jack was forever melted.

Ko put it most - "If rabbits ever wiggle in that direction may I be consoled by a pair of directional oranges."

Ko jazzes with the damaged at the most educated shout.

Til the sun melts next - Bo.

Amber Snippets

A lot of new research has been coming out lately in Amberology departments around the world.

• Cerberus, from Greek mythology has recently been sighted as Paris Hilton's latest pet. New evidence suggests that Cerberus was originally created one night when Amber had too many beans and kittens (lethal combination).
• Amber turned Johnny Depp gay.
• It has been confirmed that the town of Rotorua, New Zealand is indeed merely one of Amber's socks.
  
• The Spice Girls reunion is indeed Amber's doing.
• Amber's recently developed third eye is confusing researchers. No one can work out who she got it from. If you see anyone missing an eye please contact the School of Amberology at Oxford University.... Wyoming.