Kids Say The Darndest Things

As we all know, children are brutally honest, so it was a surprise to us when Bren's little sister, Tessa, sugar coated this portrait of Amber. However, we do concur with the addition of stink lines ascending from Amber's head.

Take a shower Amber!

Amber – Tormenting Humanity Since The Dawn Of Time

Amber would have us believe that she was born in 1987, making her a mere 20 years old.

However, it is our belief that she doesn't age as we do and may in fact have been tormenting humanity since the dawn of civilization. We cannot yet prove this hypothesis, but this photo confirms that she has been around since at least the 70s.

Who knows what despicable instruments of torture she hwas hiding in those delightful puffy sleaves?

Sorry Guys

Are We Living in The Last Day's Before Jesus' Return?

I believe we are. You judge for yourself.

-From Some Web Site.

How do I know that this is complete bullshit? Because Jesus has already returned. But Amber ate him. Sorry mankind - no saviour for you.

If Only He Was Still Around...

William Shakespeare could have dealt with Amber one thinks. While trying to think of insults to say to Amber one is often distracted by the disgusting bit of metal protruding from her nose or her fourth eye or her ears (which we will never talk about again - as her ears are the most disgusting of all).

But If old Shakespeare was still around, I bet he'll stand tall and rattle off a few gems like...

"Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you filthy bung, away!"
"Thou art a very ragged Wart."
"Thou crusty botch of nature!"
"Thou elvish-mark'd, abortive, rooting hog!"
"If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases."
"Thou stale old mouse eaten dry cheese!"
"Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!"

Politics

Bangladesh has declared a state of emergency.

Now you might think it has something to do with some political parties called the Awami League and the BNP. But that's all nonsense.

It's because someone heard a rumour that Amber might be visiting. That's when the shoe really hit the fan.

Fetal Exposure To Amber Harms Your Baby

Logan said...

oh wow, you have updated this site, bren!
should the title not read 'AN amber christmas', or is that some residual effect of her evilness?

Well Logan, we're glad you asked. As our chief crusader against evil, Bren, is currently playing Final Fantasy, it's up to me to answer your query.

It didn't take much research to determine that you are in fact 100% correct. Our case study, Troy, endured prolonged exposure to Amber. This unfortunate boy is her twin brother. Even in the womb, he was not safe from her evil and its effects. Consequently, Troy can barely speak English.

I think that the lesson here is obvious. Forget alcohol and other drugs, fetal exposure to Amber can seriously harm your baby.

We hope that this advice was helpful. Thanks for your question, Logan!

Pig Farmers Beware

Ancient prophecy foretells that Amber will one day marry a pig farmer. We would like to take this opportunity to warn our pig farming friends: If Amber shows any interest in you or your pigs, RUN AWAY!

Amber Makes Players Seasick

If Amber were a Final Fantasy character, she'd be this one. As Tom observed, she has a big scary tongue and she sways too much, making everyone seasick. That's Amber for you.