Amber Prevents Doomsday

According to my sources. The 2012 doomsday never happened. Amber's smell kept it away.

So.... Thanks?

Amber Eats All Big Macs

McDonalds in Iceland are closing down. Amber ate all the Big Macs.

Asteroid Hurtling Towards Amber But Will Probably Miss Because Space Sucks

Watch out Amber, the dark void that is Space has it in for you and is sending an asteroid your way.

Sure, "scientists" are predicting that it'll miss. And it probably will. Those guys don't wear those stupid lame white coats and big dorky glasses for nothing. They are smart.

It's good to know that Space hates Amber as much as we do. Even if their aim sucks.

Reader Emails

As a vital public service we obviously receive a lot of emails. I thought I'll share one of them today. The first is from young Lucy.

Hi, I went near Amber and am now blind. Also my hand seems to be slowly disintegrating. Also, I have a horn growing out of my head. Also, an extra ear. I am mocked at school. Is there some kind of support group I can join?

Well, THAT IS DISGUSTING. I'm sorry Lucy but you should be SHUNNED FROM SOCIETY. Support group? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? What makes you think that you should be in the company of human beings? Lucy, you shall be a poster child for why you should never go anywhere near Amber. You will die alone.

Is Mars far enough? No.

The number one question on mankind's mind is, if I go to Mars will I still be able to smell Amber? Good news. Our comrades in Russia have undertaken the mission to find out the truth. Wouldn't be too hopeful though. Haven't you ever wondered why aliens haven't made contact us with us yet? You can smell her in Alpha Centauri.

Things Not Necessarily That Bad Mr Goff.

Phil Goff says things are getting worse for New Zealand.

At least we got rid of Amber though.

Amber Visits The White House

Australia Update

A loyal reader sent in this from Melbourne, Australia. These signs are starting to blanket the city. Remember Australians. If you see Amber feed her some nuclear waste that you keep in your wallets/purses. It's her favourite and will keep her occupied for a couple of minutes while you run away...

(Wait... You don't keep nuclear waste in your wallets/purses do you? Stupid naive Australians...)

Conversations With Amber: Part Two

I've previously blogged about Conversations With Amber - a book written by War correspondent Joe Sandstorm about a series of conversations he had with Amber - that first post was from chapter one. Here's a selection from chapter two.

After my first conversation, her ugliness had melted off part my nose - so the next conversation had to take place behind a protective shield. Now some people have compared Amber to a smelly pus-excreting wart that has suddenly developed the ability to walk. I'm more of the school of thought that she is like cancer-infected lungs turned inside out. But I have to say, there is something majestic about the way that slime drips from what I think are her ears. I would say she is a treasure, but one that should be killed and shot off into the sun as soon as possible.

She Got Hungry.

The November 8 New Zealand General Election has been canceled after Amber ate the concept of democracy.

New Zealand shall not be leaderless for long - other forms of governments are due to battle it out in Battle Royale style for the honour. Feudalism is the current favourite.

Amber ate democracy with a side of bacon that was wrapped with chicken breast. For desert, she was going to eat John Key's children before finding out that he had already done so.

The United States election will still go ahead as the electoral college is anything but democracy.

Amber Sighting

Witnesses have confirmed that Amber is indeed in Australia. As you can see, she has changed her appearance, but you can still expect to experience nausea upon seeing her.

Our team of experts believe that she wears the blue headband to conceal the demonic horns, which are no doubt growing from her forehead by now.

Amber is armed (with her face!) and dangerous, so do not approach her. Australians be warned!

The Australia Report

Things have been quiet on the Amber side of life. We have just received this report from Steve from our Australian branch.

Amber hasn't been sighted but from your description that could match at least a dozen people I've slept with. So not totally sure. We also think the use of the name 'Amber' is a bit of a bogus trick she used on you kiwis - everyone is called Steve.

Ah, Steve, if you had indeed slept with Amber then you'll probably be missing your penis... along with the rest of your body because she would have eaten you whole.

Or who knows? Maybe Amber has found solace with a country that actually has people as dumb as her... and as ugly... and as smelly...

New People Finding Our Fair Crusade

It's quite interesting looking at how the masses have been finding our humble site.

Someone from Denmark found this page by searching for "Stuart Murdoch"

A soul from Switzerland found this page by searching for "amber kitten"

An American got a very important message that it's not pig farmers they need to be afraid of when searching for "beware of pig farmers"

Another American found out some useful info when they searched for "amber day"

Three separate inquiries from the UK turned up on the same day and got this page when they searched for "jk rowling breasts"

Finally, rather disturbingly, an American shared Amber's hatred for Safety Patrols when searching for "i hate safety patrols" Could this be another Amber? Do we need to set up an American branch?

The rumours are true: we have won!

Have you found that when you step outside you no longer instantly throw up?

Have you seen the odd smile every now and again?

Do people seem, dare we say it, happy?

Well, the rumours are indeed true. The team at I Hate Amber can confirm that Amber has left New Zealand. We will like to take full credit for this.

Parliament has just passed a bill that declares the month of February as a public holiday known as The Month Where We Could All Breath Again Because That Evil Amber Had Let Us Be. Work on the name of the month is still ongoing.

She still lives, but she's Australia's problem now.

The World Survives Another Christmas

After eating the country of Turkey last year for Christmas; Amber set her sight on a much more lofty goal this year. She decided to consume the country of Chocolate.

Of course this country is fictional but we at I Hate Amber were able to make up some pamphlets and put them in Amber's mailbox (which is made up of kitten heads). Advertised at a whopping big 27,000 square kilometres (think Russia plus China) the country of chocolate was very much inspired by the land of chocolate that Homer Simpson imagines...



The pamphlet read "Everywhere you look there is a chocolate surprise just for you. We are just chock full of chocolate waterfalls and bouncing bunny rabbits that you can take mouthwatering bites out of! So come!"

Amber took the bait and has spent the entire holiday season looking for Chocolate.

These people are sick.

All three of these institutions come from some insignificant area known as the South Island in New Zealand. All these establishments are complete evil for adopting these names. Avoid these places for your holiday fun at all costs.

On a milestone note...

According to our regularly updated counter on the right hand side of this site; Amber has now eaten over 10,000 babies, puppies and kittens.

What Was He Thinking?

Amber dropped a variety of things - properly all instruments of pure evil - and a poor soul decided to help her pick them up. As soon as that happened the man was suddenly attacked by hyenas who chewed out his eyeballs before throwing them up back into his mouth, ripped off his arms and finally castrated him.

The man's final words were "that's what I get for helping Amber..."

What Amber Would Look Like If She Was A Kitten

Sing your hearts out!

These lovely girls have created a brilliant I Hate Amber song. The songwriting is simply breathtaking. Well done them.

Take Part in our Poll!

We at I Hate Amber wish to know your opinion. On the right hand side of this page you'll find a poll asking for your preferred methods to do away with Amber. If you have any suggestions - then tell us!

Sucky Parliament.

Parliament today voted 108-13 to strengthen terrorism suppression laws (article)

And the question is asked, where are the Amber suppression laws? This is badly needed; if given a choice between dealing with Amber and terrorists I know who I would choose. Terrorists don't imagine you as lunch. And they smell better.

Britney's back.

Why Amber? Why?

You see Britney Spears did so much worse than sell her soul to the dark prince Satan; she sold it to Amber - who eats Satan for breakfast (he then respawns and she eats him again for dinner and the cycle continues).